Welcome to the April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting advice!
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month we're writing letters to ask our readers for help with a current parenting issue. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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My oldest daughter, Nakiah (5yrs old) is very attached to her Daddy.
When he's getting ready for work she will hang on him, and tell him he can't go to work, she doesn't want him to go to work, and she's even hidden his work clothes at times.
She asks for him often throughout the day. She wants to know when he's coming home. She also talks about how much she misses him throughout the day. She gets to talk to him on the phone while he's at work, but not every day.
Some days he's gone for 12 hours, some days a little less.
I tell her he's coming home either before or after dark, depending on his shift.
That seems to have worked with her a bit. That way she knows as the day goes on when he's about to come home.
I don't want to stop her from asking for him, but I do want to find ways to ease her mind when he's gone.
We were thinking maybe she needs more one on one time with him when he is home.
I will be honest, some days it really gets on my nerves. I often hear "I don't want you. I want Daddy."
I know I shouldn't take it so personally, but sometimes I do.
It seems no matter what I do or say it's not good enough. She only wants her dad, and that's it.
What are some things I can do to make his being gone better for her?
How can mama not feel so hurt that she doesn't want me?
Remember she is Spirited, so she is more persistent and sensitive.
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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be updated by the end of the day April 13 with all the carnival links.)
- Replace hitting with…? — Acacia at Be Present Mama is at a loss on how to handle her three year old's hitting.
- Two Questions — Alexandra at Breastfeeding Momma would like some ideas on how to strengthen her bond with her 8-month-old daughter; she's also looking for input on an emotional topic: vaccines.
- Balancing Needs When Baby Trumps Mama — Alison at BluebirdMama wonders how her child's need for noise and energy balances out against her need for quiet and space. (@childbearing )
- The McDilemma — Annie at PhD in Parenting is on the arches of a McDilemma. (@phdinparenting)
- Where is the mutually agreeable solution? When parenting calls for blood draws — Arwyn at Raising My Boychick has a child who needs regular blood tests that are torment for him. How does a parent honor a child when his health is on the line? (@RaisingBoychick)
- When To Wait To Nurse — Cave Mother wonders what age toddlers can be asked to wait to nurse.
- I don't love you Mama! — CurlyMonkey wonders what to do with her daughter's intense feelings. (@curlymonkey_)
- Help a Mama Out — Danielle at Born.in.Japan isn't getting much sleep with her cosleeping, night nursing, cranky little guy and hopes you can help with some suggestions for shuteye. (@borninjp)
- Dear Abby: My daughter really misses her Daddy — Darcel at The Mahogany Way needs to know how to help her daddy's girl get the connection with her father she needs — and not feel left out in the process. (@MahoganyWayMama)
- What's Going on at School? — Deb at Science@home is in a quandary: how can she find out what really goes on at school without stepping on the teacher's toes? (@ScienceMum)
- April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Advice — Dionna at Code Name: Mama wants to find volunteer work that includes her toddler. (@CodeNameMama)
- How do you deal? — Erin at Beatnik Momma does not want to engage in "mommy wars." She'd like your input on how (and how much) to discuss her natural parenting choices with curious friends and family who parent differently. (@babybeatnik)
- Dear Abby — The Grumbles at Grumbles and Grunts gave her son a banana...and no solid food since. What's the next step in baby-led weaning? (@thegrumbles)
- Excuse me, I have a poop question — Jessica at This is Worthwhile has a question for you about toddler tinkling. (@tisworthwhile)
- The Half Empty Nest Syndrome: What to do when Momma gets replaced by a cow? — Joni Rae at Kitchen Witch Momma is suffering from "half-empty nest syndrome": what do you do when your babies start growing up? (@kitchenwitch)
- Peer Pressure — Kate at Momopoly worries what message her daughter's new friend is sending — but how to break up such an infatuation? (@Momopoly)
- When I Fall Down — Katherine at Momioso.com needs your wisdom on how to be more gentle and at peace with herself. (@naturalparent)
- A question of sleep and sanity — KeepingMumSane needs your toddler cosleeping advice in order to, well, keep mum sane! (@keepingmumsane)
- April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting advice — Lauren at Hobo Mama needs a chiropractor … or help getting her 36 lb toddler to walk up the stairs. (@Hobo_Mama)
- Driver's Ed for Mommies — Maman A Droit is a self-confessed terrible driver and is scared to drive with her baby in the car.
- Solo Parenting — Mammapie at Downside Up and Outside In needs tips for being a single working mother while her partner's away. (@mammapie)
- Itsy Bitsy Biter — Mamapoekie at Authentic Parenting needs your advice about her daughter, otherwise known as the pitbull.
- How Can I Avoid Beauty Obsession? — Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! is at a loss ever since her tomboys turned into wannabe princesses. (@bfmom)
- Seeking Stability in Chaos — Michelle at Seeking Mother is in a heart-wrenching position. She needs your input on how to make a toddler feel secure during a time of transition, the illness of a parent, and multiple (new) caregivers. (@Seekingmother)
- Mama, That's Too, Too Boring! — Michelle at The Parent Vortex started out asking how to encourage her preschooler to get dressed — and four days later, she began to without prompting! (@TheParentVortex)
- Dear Lovey Hart, I am Desperate. — Mommy Soup from Cream of Mommy Soup has several questions for you, from how you play favorites when no one's your favorite to how to tell off strangers curious about the ample size of your family. (@mommysoup)
- Diaper Duty Dilemma — Paige at Baby Dust Diaries has a simple request: talk to her about cloth! (@babydust)
- What Do You Need My Son — pchanner at A Mom's Fresh Start wishes her calm four-month-old hadn't turned into an inquisitive and dramatic six-month-old. How do you handle changes in baby's personality? (@pchanner)
- Dear Natural Parenting Community — Sarah at OneStarryNight wants to know how to respond to criticism from family and friends over breastfeeding. (@starrymom)
- Natural Parenting Carnival — Help — Sarah at Consider Eden feels like either her to-do list or her parenting is suffering, because she can't do both! (@considereden)
- To potty learn or not to potty learn - that is the question — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes wants to know whether it's time to start potty training. (@sheryljesin)
- Seeking Patience — Starr at Earth Mama looks to the collective tribal wisdom of this community to learn how to teach patience to children.
- A Dirty Girl Comes Clean — Tashmica at Mother Flippin' is struggling. How do parents deal with their inability to keep their children protected from danger? (@Mother_Flippin)
- Uli and the Pussy Cats — Thomasin at Propson Palingenesis has a toddler who likes to put kitties in headlocks and ride them like horsies. How best to separate the little beasties?
- Perceptions of Discipline — Zoey at Good Goog doesn't use conventional discipline with her child — and doesn't know how to respond around people who do. (@zoeyspeak)
That's so sweet :) What if you had her make things for Daddy? Alternatively, what if they made a few things together that you could pull out for her when the going gets tough? (A photo album, a story about the two of them doing something fun, etc.) Also, ask her what SHE thinks the solution is - let her daydream and write down all kinds of things (daddy stays home all the time! I go to work with him!) and then help her with some more realistic ones (I call daddy one time each day. I write a story about something I'd like to do with daddy.), she might come up with a few that surprise you!
ReplyDeleteWhen I was reading your post, your own suggestion for the two of them to spend more one-on-one time was what jumped out to me as a great idea. My husband and I have been splitting up the childcare and working duties, and our son gets obsessed with whichever person he's not seeing. We try to make an effort to have whoever's not on childcare duty fit in some focused time with him each day to fill his cup.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I like your idea about telling her whether it's light or dark. Could you buy her a special clock and start teaching her to tell time? I know they make some fun clocks for kids that are simpler than regular ones.
As for not getting your feelings hurt, it's hard, isn't it? I guess just remind yourself that it's probably a phase and that of course you're happy she's so attached to her father. She's just as attached to you, but she doesn't have to prove it since you're there!
I have a spirited child, too, although she's the one who's more attached to me than Daddy. :-) However, my almost 3-year-old is head over in heels in love with her daddy. Sometimes, I admit, I'm like an insecure teenager when she rejects me and asks for her daddy. Other times, I'm pumping my fist in celebration (in my head anyway) - like when she only wants Daddy to change her explosive diaper.
ReplyDeleteBut what about when he's working long hours and she misses him terribly? Here are few things I do (some of which aren't all that creative):
1. Daddy often sleeps with her. This is a simple way of the two of them bonding and having some time together.
2. When Daddy has something important going on at work, we light a candle in his honor. We think of him throughout the day when we see the light flickering. This makes him "here" with us in a small way even when he's not.
3. We schedule Daddy time with each of the girls. This is nothing extravagant. Sometimes they will just read some stories alone together and cuddle, but it goes a long way in giving her what she needs.
4. I *try* to always empathize with her when she Daddy-sick and whining for him. "I know you miss your daddy, but he's not here right now so you'll have to let me help you right now."
5. If he's going to be gone for an extended period of time (working all weekend, etc.), we make cards or cookies for him. Doing something nice for him seems to ease some of the sadness that he's not with us.
6. When Dad is around, we make family time a priority. I'm selfish with family time. It's so precious, and my girls need it. We try to schedule at least one family fun time each week where we might play a game together or dance around like silly goofballs in our living room.
Hope this helps, Darcel. Blessings.
Perhaps you could give her a 'coupon book' once a week and when she's feeling like she REALLY misses her pappa, she can use a coupon. For things like...a walk with you, a trip to the park, a picnic, a special movie, a story, helping make posicles, making him a card or a letter...etc.
ReplyDeleteThis way, when she is missing him (which she clearly will) she can do something besides complain about it. She can start learning how to handle those emotions in constructive ways.
Assuming Daddy is on board (I'm sure he doesn't want his clothes hidden!) I think maybe a talk with him would be most effective. As a former Daddy's girl, a chat with Daddy meant way more than the same words coming from mom. He could talk to her about how he doesn't want to go to work, but he has to so he can buy food and pay for the house, car(s), toys, etc. and that she can be a big helper to him by being good for mommy while he's gone. I don't know whether you've already tried that or if it'd actually help, but if I were your little girl, that's how I could be reached!
ReplyDeleteI love all the suggestions, especially @Momopoly's. Have you tried setting a special timer somewhere for her? It can be real, or one you make together, and she can see at a glance that Daddy's return home is imminent. Maybe a sliding scale sort of thing - like her favorite animal on a race track. I dunno, this could be fun!
ReplyDeleteI never had a relationship like this with my dad. She's a lucky little girl to have something like this :)
Lots of good ideas here already.
ReplyDeleteMaybe Dad can record a special message or story for her that you can play when she's missing him?
have daddy tape a video of himself reading her a few stories that she can watch throughout the day...we did that when I went to Europe for a week with a friend and my son watched them a few times a day
ReplyDeleteHmm, I thought I commented on this already but maybe not. What I said before was, in my experience as a mom of four, EVERYTHING is a phase, including preferring one parent to another. I can guarantee you it will switch 25334623 times again. Plus, you're pregnant: the more children you have, the more likely you are that someone will prefer you :)
ReplyDeleteMy daughter also often asks for her Dad throughout the day and her little ears will perk up every time she hears a car. Thankfully, she's two and easily distracted.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest that one way of dealing with it is for your husband to take a holiday day every now and then (if possible?) and spend the whole day with your daughters while you go out with friends / on your own?
It may help for them to have special time with him, but also cut down on some of the over-idealised attitude that seems to be happening!
Ladies, these are all awesome ideas. Thanks so much for helping us out.
ReplyDelete@Dionna - I love the idea of a photo album, or making up a story for him. She does love to show him her crafts when he comes home.
I'll ask her and see what other ideas she comes up with.
@Mamma Pie - Love the coupon book idea.
I think also on the days he is home, she could redeem them with him. She would love that!
@Lauren - She does ask for me when I'm not here, so that makes me feel good. I'm going to see if we can find a clock for her.
We're also trying to find ways for each girl to get one on one time with him. They don't like to be apart, and if one is with daddy, the other wants to involved.
@creamofmommysoup - It seems like this phase has gone on for at least 3 years. My youngest is attached to me. I think I'm having so much trouble because my oldest used to want only me, and it seems like all of a sudden she wants nothing to do with me.
@Kate - We have a twin bed next to ours, and her sister has been sleeping there all night for a while. Nakiah on the other hand always ends up in the bed with us, usually right in the middle.
I also like the idea of lighting a candle when she starts talking about missing him. He does try to have one on one time with the girls, but that another problem. She gets jealous when he does something with her sister, or plays around with her. The youngest one really only gets alone time with him, if her older sister happens to fall asleep early that night.
We're trying to work on fixing that, too.
@Maman - He has talked to her several times. He talks to her everyday before he leaves(if she's awake) She is extremely persistent. He'll keep repeating himself to her everyday.
@Jessica - I'm sorry you were not close with your dad. I am not close with my mom.
She is lucky to have such a great relationship with him. I am close with my dad and want the same for my girls.
@Nicole - I love the idea of him recording a message for her.
She does love it when she gets to talk to him on the phone during the day. I'll ask him if he can do that on his xbox.
@Alexandra - That's another good idea. She would love to actually *see* him while he's gone.
@Zoey - Going out with my girlfriends while he does something special with them is always welcomed.
I'm doing that this Sunday.
We write emails to Daddy (even if they aren't in English) and make cards for him. He has some pictures on his computer at work, and will send one of them back to us. They get very excited getting an email from Daddy!
ReplyDeleteWe each put a child to bed. Currently the little one is still feeding to sleep, so Daddy reads to the big one before bringing her in. Baths are also Daddy's special activity, they don't do it every night but when he does their bath it is a big play session.
I don't have any suggestions because I was a single mama to DS1 for most of his life, but I am interested in all the responses you're getting in case DS2 is "daddy" focused when he gets older!
ReplyDeleteCould Daddy write her a short note everyday before he goes so she can read it with you later in the day when she is missing him? You could make a scrapbook out of them too!
ReplyDeleteMy littles are daddy crazy. It doesn't help that he is gone weeks/months at a time. I hear "I want my daddy" at least a half a dozen times a day.
ReplyDeleteI don't really have any advice- except to know that you are loved too. Daddies are something like rock stars to the kids. They swoop in and play, act sily, etc. Mommas are ALWAYS there. LOL.
I wish I had some advice! I try to imagine Aellyn saying she doesn't want me (which I'm sure will happen eventually) and it chokes me up. The flip side is - how great that she loves her daddy, right? I will say that it wasn't until the past few years that I realized my mom got the short stick. We *adored* our dad - he hung the moon and all that. Moms get taken for granted. I'm sorry to say I once asked my SAHM "didn't you ever want to BE anything" /shame
ReplyDeleteThe good news? One day your daughter will grow up and realize how much your rock!
Very useful information!
ReplyDeleteOne daughter missed her dad from long time. I want to share my feelings with her.
I wish I had some advice! I try to imagine Aellyn saying she doesn't want me (which I'm sure will happen eventually) and it chokes me up. The flip side is - how great that she loves her daddy, right? I will say that it wasn't until the past few years that I realized my mom got the short stick. We *adored* our dad - he hung the moon and all that. Moms get taken for granted. I'm sorry to say I once asked my SAHM "didn't you ever want to BE anything" /shame
ReplyDeleteThe good news? One day your daughter will grow up and realize how much your rock!
I don't have any suggestions because I was a single mama to DS1 for most of his life, but I am interested in all the responses you're getting in case DS2 is "daddy" focused when he gets older!
ReplyDelete